This was a remarkable article. Thank you. You expressed something I've never read anywhere--only on the periphery from Esther Perel--that self-destructive behaviors, including "cheating on a much-loved spouse ...a lot of times it's because we're in a lot of pain." As was the case for me that I wrote about in my Medium essay--The Heartbreaking Lessons I Learned From Having An Affair [https://medium.com/wholistique/the-heartbreaking-lessons-i-learned-from-having-an-affair-10efc2e21b7d]) I still try understanding it. But years later, I look back at a time when both of my parents were dying and my husband was caught up in starting a new business. These are nevber excuses, but explanations. I appreciate you writing about how confusing it all is to do something so against our values and to do something that we don't understand. Again, I've never read about it the way you wrote this--that it's a pain response. Thank you. I look forward to reading more of your writing.