I’m so sorry you’re carrying this guilt with you, having to simultaneously grieve the death of your husband and carry this guilt of feeling you never made it up to him. That is a lot, living with two overwhelming kinds of grief. (One of my best friend’s husband died a few years ago and the grief continues still and probably always will, even if she’s managing better.) I wish for you, so much, that you can find a way to forgive yourself. From what you wrote, it seems that you loved your husband very much. That may be the most important thing, finally, that you did.